Podium'
by Flashpoint321
Summary: I'm back after a pretty lengthy hiatus. Rizzles angst was my angle here and I hope you all enjoy! As always comments are welcomed and appreciated...


**I know….I know! It's been a really long time since I've written anything Rizzles related. Blame a busy schedule, a new business, work, work, and more work, plus a smidge of the' lack o' creativity' and you've got a recipe for 'no stories'. **

**Anyway…episode one of season two hit home for me, especially since I am a police officer and I've been up on stage accepting awards. I found myself captivated at Jane's podium speech. I could just imagine what was running loose around in her head. I pictured it to be a lot of what I might have been thinking at the moment. You see, thinking **_**how**_** you really feel while you're **_**speaking**_** what's expected from you, is no easy feat but we all know Jane can do anything so, yeah….**

**I wrote this strictly from Jane's POV. It's a one-shot with no intentions of expansion, sorry! I hope you all enjoy the comeback….**

**As always, the characters aren't mine. They belong to two very lovely and talented women, Tess Gerritsen and Janet Tamaro. The characters have a very comfortable home with TNT and the constant spot on performances, are owned by everyone's favorite heroes, Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander. **

**Enjoy! Comments are appreciated like a hot cup of coffee on a Monday morning…**

Podium

_Damn. There is A LOT of people here tonight. I hate stages. I hope I don't trip up the steps._

*Scratches eyebrow*

"Uh…I just wanted to say thank you…I didn't do anything that I see being worthy enough of accepting such a prestigious award…."

_I hate the way my butt looks in these pants. I can *feel* eyes and I don't like it._

"I did what I had to do to save lives, even though several were lost that day. It's what I signed up for….it's…who I am".

_I wonder if I won my bid on E-Bay. I really want that vintage Dragnet TV tray._

"Any other cop in my position would have done the same thing. I had a 50/50 chance…and I took it".

_Why is Ma sitting by herself? Pop never misses these things._

"Tonight, I'm accepting this award on behalf of the three cops that weren't as lucky as I was…."

_I swear to God, if this holster digs into my scar one more time…._

*Eyes start to well with tears, voice just above a whisper*

"They…they paid the ultimate price. The wives and children they've so selflessly left behind….yeah, they're the real heroes…."

_Please Maura look at me, I need you._

"My brother Frankie isn't alive because of me. He's alive because of Dr. Isles over there. She works on dead people normally, but that night….yeah, that night she saved his life….she's the real hero…"

_She's so beautiful. _

"Becoming a cop is all I've ever wanted to do since I've been a kid. I never think of myself when I'm out there…."

_Why did I leave the comfort of my pit again?_

"I took an oath….and it's what I live by.."

_Damn you Jane, don't cry, baby ass._

"So, I do what I do for all of you….not for the pat on the back, or the fancy award dinners, or the pretty piece of paper that I can now stick in a frame over my desk….I do it for the citizens of Boston, I do it for the greater good…..I do it…."

_I *hate* that she's with Slucky. I hate even more that he's seen me naked._

"….because I'd like to believe that most cops feel the way I do. It's what sets us apart. So, thank you….for this…."

_Why does it hurt so much and why is everyone looking at me like I've got toilet paper stuck to my shoe?_

I'm angry. I shouldn't be, but I am. I'm tired of being judged, I'm tired of being asked 'when I'm coming back', I'm tired of being alone and I'm tired of being sick and tired. Does that make sense?

I want to get back out there. I want to be around Maura again. I want to see her work, I want to see _us_ work, and not just on the professional level. I act like I don't want her hovering around me all the time, but the truth is, I do. She wouldn't _be_ Maura if she didn't.

Ever since the _incident,_ as we're all calling it, Maura's been different, and not necessarily in a bad way. She takes less of my crap, she's grown thicker skin and she's discovering this thing called 'sarcasm'. Ma says I'm a bad influence on her. I say tough shit.

All that's left is a nasty scar, some bad dreams and about 4 months worth of pizza boxes all over the floor. I'm not really having much pain any more. I think most of it is in my head honestly. I don't want her to stop touching it, the scar I mean.

I've got a lot to deal with. I can't add my feelings for her to the list, not now. In situations like this where my emotions start to rear their ugly little heads, I'm known to take the path of least resistance. I've got to focus on getting my lame ass back to work. I know what I'm feeling isn't going to go away, but burying it somewhere in those pizza boxes is as good as it's going to get for now. Besides, she's sleeping with Slucky, it'll never happen. I just need to let it go.

I wonder if I can make a frame out of pizza boxes. I really should clean my apartment. Maura was pretty pissed when she went into my room earlier to get me, ok, force me into my uniform. I just don't see the point. It's not like she stops by all the time like she use to. Whatever. It's a start, and I've got to start somewhere.

I bitch and I complain and I huff and I puff and I roll my eyes, but I'm kinda glad I went tonight. I don't know, seeing everyone again made me realize I was kept around for a reason. I still hate my uniform though.

Nice to see some things _don't_ change…..


End file.
